::fragments::

A few nights ago I saw a woman with three legs. She was wearing a nice pastel business suit and she pulled up to the sidewalk in a golf cart. I noticed the golf cart had a stick shift and the stick itself was shaped like a beautiful burgundy metal handbag. The woman didn't seem phased by her third leg, which loped along in the middle of her other two legs. She could even make it dance by itself while the other two legs were unmoving.

Last night, I was having two very serious relationships concurrently, with Ren and Stephen. I was deeply involved in both, and would just leave one to return home to the other. Ren's friends were telling me that he was over at the Valencia movie theater where he had organized a movie-going night where activists went twice a week (and I recall Joel's name also being mentioned), and so I went home to Stephen. Sitting across a long table while he read the newspaper, I told him I had something important to tell him. He listened as I told him that I had been having a relationship with Ren, but I wanted him, Stephen, more, and would end the other relationship. Stephen seemed calm yet troubled by this admission.

I drove back and forth up and down this long hill that led me to and from the beach. I was mentoring a young woman who looked sort of goth. She was hard to reach. I would meet her and make appointments to look at her writing once a week. I was never sure if I would see her again. I was constantly driving up and down this long curvy hill and also constantly wishing I could just stay down at the beach.

I was lakeside and it was night. Stephen and I were one of many couples. Later, when I tried to write down what I remembered for the police, I wrote "Katie and Paulo" though I faltered when writing Paulo's name because I knew they were no longer a couple, and then I wasn't sure what I remembered.

We were all getting in the lake which was warm, and each couple was getting intimate in the water with one another, so that none of us was really paying attention to each other. I could feel my feet bouncing along the lake bottom. I was happy, excited. Moments later, when my feet bounced along something that was not the lake bottom, I paused, but did not let on that anything was wrong. I could hear laughter and everyone was enjoying themselves. When I bounced again, I knew what my feet were hitting. I was hitting the wrists and arms of a human body.

Suddenly I was walking out of the lake, carrying Hope W. in my arms. She was dead. I was keenly aware of everyone standing on the shore who had been in the water, and some were crying and shrieking. I was sobbing but mostly silently. My chest was heaving with the effort. I carried her to the sand and lay her down.

We--and a lot of other people unknown to me--stayed with her through the night and into morning. Men in suits came to visit but I understood they were her friends. By then she was in a body bag and wearing a shimmery white dress. Her eyes were closed. When I looked at her once, I saw her eyes open and she was breathing. I cried out and looked away. A man in a suit told me that he had opened the body bag and she had heaved a great sigh and then vomited. I was afraid to look back at her because I did not want to see her dead body come to life in a horrifying way.

My father arrived. I was crying and there were people milling around. We had a conversation I don't remember. I think I had to tell him who Hope was exactly.

I was arguing with my mother and knocking her around like she was one of those stand-up toys that can be punched but stands up again. She was drunk and I was in a rage. I had no access to my car to get away from her--someone I knew as my cousin drove it away. Her name was Polly Bremman or Polly Brennam. I decided later that I would call the police and report the car stolen.

Stephen and I agreed to marry in May, almost 2 years before we thought we would. We didn't have much time to make plans. We planned, in a matter of minutes or hours, a wedding in San Francisco. There was a very long, winding asphalt path that looked like a runner's course that was our procession, which we would walk side by side towards the final spot where we would be married in front of hundreds of people. I was at the end where all the people were and realized I had to change my bra. I was wearing a long dress that flounced out at the bottom, and it had a nice light brown and tan print. I wanted to wear the blue bra with it but realized I would have to change in front of all of the guests. I did it anyway, trying to be discreet.

Eventually I was back at where the procession would start. I knew we were taking much too long and I was fearful of my mom's response to that. I looked in a mirror and noticed that one side of my face was hairy and I would have to shave it. I was in a dressing room belonging to dancers and I discreetly picked up someone's shaving utentsil and quickly removed the hair from my face. I could feel the eyes of the dancers on me from behind a curtain.

I returned to Stephen and readied to make the long walk. I reiterated to him that my dad would not have to accompany me, that I found that practice creepy. H. Elsa, who was in charge of the events, rushed down to us and asked us what was taking so long. I realized that we were to have the wedding at 10am, but it was already after 11. We finally began the procession up.

Stephen and I were walking at different paces and one time he walked away and asked if he could play "The Ocean" though I knew he meant "Across the Universe" by the Beatles. We were rounding the corner where all the people were waiting, in bleachers and stands covered in white.

Suddenly I was indoors and looked outside. All the people were leaving, the place was empty, and it was dark outside. Snowflakes were falling.

I was at a graduation in a town in Northern California. Many people from my past were graduating. I managed to somehow miss the graduation, where I was to be an audience, but it was not a big deal. I saw Mike Forbes and spoke to him; he had graduated that day and he was wearing a purple suit.

Because I was very far north and it was Memorial Day, I had to figure out when to leave to make the drive south to Los Angeles so I would be in time for work on Tuesday. I kept thinking I had about 10 hours to drive and maybe I could leave late at night and then stay somewhere and pick up the extra few hours on Tues. morning. I was to teach a class on Tuesday at a new school and was concerned that I knew nothing about the curriculum or how many classes I was scheduled to teach and I would be pulling in right when classes started or missing them altogether if I didn't leave right at that moment. Yet I did not want to leave at that moment, and knew I would wait until at least late evening.

In one scene, I saw my mom asleep right in the middle of her narrow hallway. A blanket was thrown over her. I had to step around her and asked other people to do the same.

One chapter involved me readying to marry Christopher H. We were acting like newlyweds and I was wearing a thin rayon dress that looked like it was from the 70s. We were cuddling and holding hands a lot in public. I was very pleased to be marrying him.