::fragments::

The other night: my mother was feeding an animal that looked to be part possum, part squirrel. It was standing on a picnic table smiling and my mother was feeding it with her hands.

She and I were in her house, a place I'd never seen before, and it was located on a vast yellow plain and the horizon was wide open--no tree line. I knew there was something to be scared of. We were standing outside with no cover and immediately I saw huge black storm clouds build in the sky, moving at an impossible rate. We stared at them, frozen in our tracks. They were huge, and completely black, something I'd never seen, and they were headed our way. When they came overhead, I knew I was experiencing something supernatural and, in fact, evil, as the downpour soaked us through. The clouds passed.

A few moments later, the same thing happened and I knew this situation would only get worse. The black clouds proliferated and began moving swiftly towards us. Then they passed.

From a distance I saw what looked like an enormous train headed towards us. It came at us so fast that I could not tell which way to run--left, or right--and it was so huge that we didn't even have enough time to run. I ducked down on the ground and felt the train move over me, and I realized I'd been lucky and that I had ducked right in the best, safest part of the tracks. When I stood, and she and I began to really panic at all that was happening, another train began heading towards us and I had to duck again. This time I could feel the metal on my back and knew this was an even closer call.

We stood outside together crying, wringing our hands, and I decided to start reciting the 23rd Psalm, as my grandmother had taught me as a child. It was a way to escape nightmares. I was vaguely aware this was a nightmare but I was also terrified because it felt as though it was real, especially when the black clouds began to build up again. I recited the psalm over and over and over, even tripping over some of the words, and she began to recite with me. We were shouting it. And nothing prevented the sense of evil coming at us, or the black clouds...

Your voice I know. It had me terrified. When I hear it in dreams, from time to time all my life, it sounds like a taunt--but dreams distort sound, for they send it over many waters...--Anne Carson, from Plainwater

Two dreams, nearly identical: in one, I was making a road trip from Arizona to California. It was summer, and I knew this because it was still daylight at 8pm. I knew I had to leave soon and that meant having to drive across the desert all night. I was nervous about this, but shared my fear with no one. I saw Mylah, Carrie, my mom and other familiar faces. We were all in Arizona and I think others were leaving for California too. Carrie in particular was driving a large old blue car, something from the 1950s, like a truck. I was still packing and trying to make sure I got out on the road while it was still light out.

In the second dream: I was packing and unpacking and packing for the trip from Arizona to California. I got as far as driving away, and ended up making a U turn and going back because I'd forgotten something. I saw my mom and she asked why I hadn't gotten on the road yet. I explained I had forgotten something. I recall lots of packing in the backseat of the car, checking and re-checking that I had certain items. And the fear that I would have to drive all night in the desert without lights.

J. and I were on a yellow bedspread, on a bed, in what looked to be a motel room, poorly lit. We were having sex in as many positions as possible. I remember the taste of the condom in my mouth, and thinking of how long it's been since I've had to deal with condoms. Each act felt like a particular type of calisthenics. All of it was devoid of passion or affection. He told me he wanted to try a new position, called "the afghan wig" and it was actually something I'd never done before--at least, it had never worked before--and it did now.

1.
I was living in a very nice one bedroom apartment with Pat. We were in a city that looked old, based on the buildings I could see from the windows. It was a quaint little place. Down the hall was another unit that my mother was cleaning, believing we might want to live in it. I went to look at it. It was nice, but the windows were smaller, and there were no windows in the kitchen or bathroom. The covers on the bed were burgundy and I touched a sheet of plastic that encased them. I decided we did not want that place, that Pat would not like the colors (primarily burgundy) and that I wanted the place we had with all the windows. I also noticed, after my mom left, that there was a piano with a candleabra on top, lit, and some random pieces of lingerie spilled over the piano. I recognized them by how funky they looked--clearly vintage--and realized the apartment had been vacated by Claire.

2.
Some sort of film festival was going on in Olympia. I had been sitting on the cement, like at a fair, with lots of people milling around, and I was painting my leggings under my dress with bright red paint. I was a little annoyed that the paint was getting on the hem of my dress. I had a thick paintbrush and I enjoyed painting all the way up my leggings and my thick socks, even my shoes.

Inside the theater I saw Eliza teaching a class. I was next to Melanie, and she was asking me questions about the symposium and the 'performance' Eliza was giving. I was reading a book that the film we had watched was based on--something to do with a little girl. Something sweet, some kind of classic tale. The cover of my little red book fell off. I kept seeing a couple walk by, a man and a woman, and I was very envious because I had long ago had a crush on the man (but now can't remember exactly who he was--Chris Heeter? I don't know).

My mother's house was haunted. I saw a tall woman with long braids who kept trying to enter my father's old bedroom, and a brown cat that ran in there before the door closed. Also saw my grandmother.