::fragments::

Something about the light of the moon. As the something is happening, I realize it's just like the piece in which Annie Dillard writes about the total eclipse she witnessed (I almost want to include some of her writing of it here, because it describes what I was feeling so perfectly, but I need to find my own words). The people around me were just as unsure as I was. We kept looking at the sky and there was a profound, shared feeling of dread mixed with excitement. I knew it was the moon, it had to do with its light. But that was all I could understand--that, and that huge sweeping changes would arrive in mere minutes, and no one was prepared. The colors were changing, the shades of everything turned glossy, and I felt myself grinning involuntarily because the rush of not knowing, of dread, of being thrilled to my marrow, was so strong.

The night before: two men, unfamiliar to me, were chasing me. Finally, one of them, a tall blond man, made peace with me. I still did not trust him. I could tell they were untrustworthy, especially together.

Somewhere between the last three nights: S. had his arm around me. I could feel his height, recognize his arm about my shoulders, and I realized how comforting it was to be near him again. The weight of him drew me closer.

I was standing in a place called Olympia, but it didn't look familiar. I had called a falafel place in town to get a delivery, and Pat C. answered the phone. For a moment I was confused; I thought I was calling from California, then I remembered I had made a long trip that morning to Olympia. Driving. I figured this out aloud while on the phone and asked him if he could deliver. I took awhile ordering the falafel and salad. When I hung up, I walked through throngs of young people. There had been a protest and everyone was walking home.

I made it to Pat T.'s house and it looked unlike what it really looks like. I asked him if I could stay awhile and he said sure. I went into the bathroom which was totally unfamiliar and saw my dress and a towel hanging up on the shower curtain rod.

Earlier, I was with Paul and another woman, and soon found out that they were dating. I was a little put off but took a deep breath and accepted it.

Two nights ago: Many events, though I distinctly recall holding a cooked rabbit with my fingers, in an attempt to stuff it. I had pulled the skin up and there were bowls of nuts and stuffing, and a broth.

Last night: I was living with Pat in a strange house that we shared with Forbes, who is someone I went to elementary and jr. high school with. He and his friends were very noisy and dirty and I couldn't believe we were in this situation. They had taken over the living room and some back bedrooms. I was in the kitchen with a washing machine that did not run on electricity. I looked inside its basin and there was a lot of cold water in it, bubbly with soap. Sarah was over later, and she was spending the night and complained we would have to wake up extra early to clean up. I didn't understand why she cared--then later I remembered she had to leave early to get back to the bay area.

(1)
I went to my father's bedroom and he was in bed, and there was a large lump of blankets on the floor next to the bed. I was curious about who was under there. It turned out to be S. I haven't seen him in almost 2 years and I was shocked. He told me he was working in Lake Tahoe and he and my father exchanged some comments about that. I wasn't even curious about what he was doing there or how he knew my father; immediately I wanted to get him alone.

When we were alone, he told me he wanted to be with me again. I was hesitant. But only slightly. I thought up questions I wanted to ask him, to sort of buffer any kind of hurt I might experience. One question was, Will I have to be monogamous (again)? I only thought this question to myself, never asking aloud. I mostly watched him talk, thoroughly delighted at his attentions and completely enchanted by his beauty, which was something we exchanged comments on in the first two days of knowing each other--glowing exchanges of how beautiful we found the other. I had never told a man before how beautiful I found him physically.

As I was thinking of questions, my heart sank because I knew that I would choose S. and where would that leave Stephen? I wondered how Stephen would react. It made me a little sick thinking of it but I would look again into S.'s face and all the doubts would wash away...for a moment, before my heart began sinking again.

(2)
I was with two of the younger Heeter boys. They were still little boys, and I was a young woman. Their father was driving us around in a Vanagon. We stopped at a Taco Bell that was also a bar. I ordered a Corona and was charged $8.88. We sat at a table but everyone was restless. Finally their father drove us to a park. It looked empty except for the other van we pulled up to, nose to nose, so close I could see the woman in the driver's seat of that van inch back in her seat like she was frightened. She turned out to be a friend of their father. He took some flowers to her and stepped into her van. The boys and I went for a walk.

Awhile later, I decided to come back to the van and the boys followed me. I lay in the grass next to our van. I closed my eyes. I suddenly heard the squeaking of the other van as it gently rocked. I knew exactly what was happening and could hardly believe it. He had a lover, and she was a long-haired, brunette, old hippie woman wearing tattered clothing? I thought about this, and his wife, and wondered if she had had lovers over the years too. The boys seemed to not notice the squeaking and rocking and it only lasted a few minutes anyway. Soon after, their father stepped out of the other van and we got up to go. I heard the woman speak; she had a French accent.