::fragments::

From K., date unknown:

I had a dream we made rose syrup together. We both secretly plucked petals and ate them raw - hoping the other did not notice. Hee hee. The syrup was a rich blood red, with a touch of lemon juice. Delicious! (And my favorite!) Maybe next time we can make violet syrup.

From H, in February?:

I dreamt that it was your birthday, and I was at a bookshop like the old Duttons in NoHo, looking for a book by a particular author to give you as a gift. The place was arranged kind of confusingly, so I asked for help and finally found the right book, but the only copy they had was a special edition in a carved wooden box. When I was at the check-out the cashier told me it was eighty dollars, and I decided it was worth it (hey, it was a good book in a really nice box), and she started ringing it up, along with these beautiful, hand-blown, pale blue martini glasses (all stemless, but somehow I knew they were for martinis -- ha!), each one different from the other, and rimmed with gold. Suddenly, you were there, too, and you said, kind of incredulous, you're buying the glasses too??? And I realized I already have too many glasses and no place to put them, and stopped her. And then I woke up.

I was walking down a street and heard strange music coming from a shop. I practically skipped in because the music was so odd and I liked it.

It was a shop that would be called an 'occult store' where all kinds of things astrological, witchy, etc. are sold. Two women were in the store. I went to a case where many rings and little boxes were displayed on top. I opened up one of the small wooden boxes but don't remember what it looked like except that it was ornate.

Then I picked up a silver ring from a pile of rings and tried it on. It was very large, with animal figures on it: a bear, a wolf and (I think) an eagle. I think there was also a waterfall between two of the animals, and set all around these images and in between them were very light blue stones. The stones were so light they looked like they glowed or lit up when I put the ring on. The ring itself was a little small so I had to adjust it to fit my finger. Still, it seemed too much--a very large setting. I was also concerned that I didn't know what the stones meant, that they glowed so oddly, and I wasn't sure why those particular animals were on it.

One of the women came by and put a basket of small yarn finger puppets on top of the case next to where I was looking. She asked me a question I don't remember.

I was walking through what looked like an outdoor insane asylum or men's prison. I was wearing what I think of as my 'orphan dress' and had little white socks and my old beige Birkenstock clogs on.

I saw various men of different ages and ethnicities and some were restrained to cots with chains and some walked free. I was fearful but acted like I was not. Some reached out to grab me and I acted tough. I was disturbed, though, that there were so many. I knew I was being watched, assessed.

I came to a desk where a woman sat. She was dressed in a business-suit sort of way with a skirt and nice blouse. I remember thinking it odd that she was at a desk outdoors. She asked me what I thought of the place and if I could start taking six hour shifts immediately. I didn't want to seem rude so I told her I had to go home and talk to my husband about it, even though in my heart I knew I would not work there.

I was with a group of people at a dusty, strange compound sort of place. The people living there were part of some kind of cult-like thing. I was invited to eat with them at a long wooden table outside. I saw MK there, and she seemed at home and very friendly with the people who lived there. The women living there had long dresses, sort of "Little House on the Prairie"-ish. They also seemed very quite and observant of their guests.

One young woman with long blond hair in braids that were pinned up approached me when we left the dinner table. She wanted me to pull my top down and I acted a little shy and coy though I was completely shocked and excited by this, having not expected any such thing. She told me that MK had told her about my breasts and she wanted to see them. When I pulled my top down, she was all over me for what felt like a very long time of uninterrupted bliss.

Night before last: I was eating from a plate of little black snakes, maybe babies. They were small, slithery, wet.

Last night: I was riding the waves at dusk with the Heeter boys in a place that looked like a lake that had a long tide that we could ride from one side to another. The boys were watching out for me. I felt like it was going pretty fast and I lost my breath a bit but it was fun more than anything.

I was walking along a beach next to high mountains and cliffs and it got dark very fast. I'd lost my pair of Birkenstock clogs somewhere and realized that not only did I not have shoes (which seemed unsafe) but I had no way of knowing when to start climbing up the mountains next to me so I could get back to town where I was staying (in a hostel?). I started to feel fear. I kept walking, hoping I'd eventually see lights or something but it just got darker. As I walked, uncertainty filled me, and I considered that I might be walking for a long time but not getting anywhere, and most importantly, I might never find my way back.

Finally I looked over and saw people around me on the beach. I asked a young woman how I could find my way and she pointed right behind her. I saw a wooden staircase, easy enough to get up, and lights at the top of the mountain. She looked at me like she couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before. I was so grateful I didn't care. I had a way out.

I was a criminal of some sort in a motel room, and I could see that the detectives after us (can't recall who was with me) were training in on us with binoculars and watching us, and some were even approaching. Someone had left the door open with a bunch of grass? trash? against it, so one of the detectives came in, a portly mustached man, to question me. I was annoyed that the door had been left open. I ignored his questions and could tell that nothing drastic was going to happen.

Later I was sitting on some bleachers among many South Asian men who were busy talking and laughing. I moved away from them. Then it was as if I was watching a documentary, about a man who kept sea turtles in a mean cage, and his punishment was to let them go. I watched him let them go, and he was underwater with them. I saw little baby sea turtles that reminded me of sperm, swimming away from the man and away from the camera (if this was indeed a documentary). I felt a sense of justice.

I must have missed a tidal wave the day before. I stood on balconies overlooking the aftermath of the tidal wave, which actually didn't appear to be too bad. I saw lots of tropical looking plants--banana trees?--that were flooded with water from the wave.

I saw Teresa C. in an unfamiliar bar and she began talking to me in a stylized way, like she had some kind of odd accent that she'd put on. She also hugged me when she saw me, which took me by surprise. I felt a little strange, even low-class? ordering an Oly stubbie at the bar, but it was all I could think of to order. She and I began talking but I started to feel like I couldn't tell her what I wanted to tell her, that she was too beyond listening.

Last night I had various conversations with Teresa C., some of them awkward, some of them not. I also spoke to EKH. Can't recall details of any conversations.

Last night I was involved in some kind of long road trip. I should have left early but found myself somewhere unfamiliar at night. Sarah, someone else and I decided to go for a swim in the river. I could hear motor boats from afar and they created little waves that came towards us. There were big fake elephants in the water, like toys you could sit on. I sat on one of them and reassured myself that the size of the thing meant that the water wasn't that deep.

It got darker. Sarah and my other companion wanted to cross the river swimming and I followed. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was and how it felt so good to do, and it wasn't scary after all. There was a lot of tree canopy covering the sky.

Much earlier I remember being in a large house I thought was my grandmother's, and I had found a bedroom for me and another companion to sleep in. I was watching television, waiting for an x-rated movie to come on, but I knew people would be walking back and forth because the bedroom was situated that way. There were two bathrooms on either side, large and comfortable. And way too many people milling through the house.

Night before last: I looked in a mirror and could see a huge back piece on my skin--a black and red tattoo that seemed to be a carryover of the piece on my left arm. I understood it was a continuation. I remember seeing a large black cat, a panther, with its jaws open, menacing looking.

Three nights ago? Two cats.

Last night: I had three rabbits. One was a father and there were two babies. I think I had them in a pillowcase and they kept scrambling out. Finally I brought them home and tried to tuck them into the bathroom so they wouldn't escape. I was also unsure how the cats would react to them.

Last Thursday night: I got a phone call from the center where my grandmother lives. The woman on the phone told me she had died the week before. I was shocked. Why wouldn't they call me when it happened? I began crying, then moaning, completely wracked with overwhelming grief. I moaned and moaned.

Last night: SL and I were in a large house. We were trying to heat a large amount of water to use in a bathtub that would be like a hot tub. I was trying to start a machine that would heat the water quickly but it didn't work. I had various large containers being heated and would then move the water to the bigger porcelain tub.

I went to the front door to lock it once I figured we were close to being able to get into the tub of heated water. I realized the door lock didn't work. I opened the front door and it was night. Several teenagers were out there and they told me that we weren't welcome there. They had heard about us from people who had left our house earlier. They started to gesture in a way that told me they were about to throw Molotov cocktails at the house and would also chase us down.

I slammed the door and we started running through the house to escape. I felt S at my side, gripping my arm, and I had to urge her to move faster because we had to flee. She was terrified and could hardly move. We finally made it out to a backyard and met some people who I began to tell the story to, so they could help us.

Last night KG paid me $98.00 to drop off her three prescription refill papers at the pharmacy. It was all on the beach. I walked down there to drop it off and then I drove a truck back to her.

I was walking up a trail with Jennifer G. and others. I looked by some rocks and saw that there were two fat wallets in a crevice. I nonchalantly plucked them out, and ignored some of the other remnants that also seemed to be in the crevice--something related to tents. J.G. saw that I'd picked these up. We came across some people up the trail and J.G. blurted out that we had found two wallets. I was angered but acted otherwise, and handed over first one wallet, wondering if I could keep the other, but then handed over both. Both were men's wallets, black, and thick with cards and money was spilling out the top of both.

I handed these wallets over to an old man who seemed to have no teeth and he got too close to me. I told him I'd left some stuff by the crevice where I'd found the wallets. He made some joke and we moved on. I was totally disappointed and told J.G. that I was so broke I'd intended to at least look through the wallets and take out some or all of the cash. She said she understood, that she was broke, too, and she was sorry she'd blurted out that we had the wallets.

Later, up the same trail, there seemed to be some men breaking new ground for some kind of construction site. They were on either side of the trail with equipment. The dirt got completely light brown and loamy and thick, and it was like walking through dirt the consistency of beach sand, only feathery on the legs. I started running up the trail, and I was running fast, and completely surprised and happy that I could move so fast uphill and in this thick, loamy dirt that my feet and even part of my calves sunk into. Then I had a little girl and a man on my back, and I was still able to run. The man on my back reminded me of a boy I had a crush on when I was in junior high, Sean C. Only now he was a man, and he was riding my back, and I was running like the wind and we were all enjoying this movement. When we got to the top and he got off me, and the little girl was next to me, we flirted a bit and it was like the beginning of something new.

There was a family reunion and I saw people like Sarah, Stephen, Sandy and others. We were all going together somewhere.

Later I was in my mother's patio watching a very bizarre group of about 100 goth looking folks of various ages, sizes, costume, etc. doing some kind of dance. They were all very different and a little freaky. At some point I made eye contact with one of them for too long and I ended up leaving, a little thrown off balance from it.

Last night I sat down in a dark theater as a film was starting. It was in French. Then the dream just became about the movie, of which I remember nothing.

I was on some sort of submarine that could also be above the ocean. It was some sort of pleasure trip with a lot of people I didn't know, and a few I did. At one point I was looking out the window and saw two huge--incredibly enormous--whales, their backs with numerous fins or scales sticking up like sea monsters. They were keeping pace with our submarine, which was moving at about sixty miles per hour. I wasn't scared, but I was amazed.

Later, I remember being under the impression that our trip was going to take us to some exotic places, like close to Antarctica or something. It would be months long. I was disappointed to find out that when we docked, though, we were merely off the coast of Tacoma, Washington.

Tara was moving to Ohio to get married. She figured she's also find a knee doctor or reference librarian whose kid she and her partner could take on. She told me that A.S. was pregnant. I looked at J.'s blog but they hadn't been posting.