http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/ en Copyright 2008 Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:19:31 +0000 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss not move that way, and it's absolutely hilarious to me to try to make them move. I couldn't even get the damn jingly coins on my borrowed sash to go ching. Now that's funny. It's such a good way to be in your body, to feel your body--you try something you know you will look foolish doing, surrounded by women doing the same thing. (The teacher looked fucking cool when she did it, of course, but she was a good encourager.) Plus I learned some good pelvic floor exercises. Can't beat that.]]> http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/06/look_at_my_belly.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/06/look_at_my_belly.html Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:19:31 +0000 I'm pretty sure I figured out what was aggravating the sacroiliac, a particular pilates move I did today for the first time since I messed up the joint last Thurs. I'm annoyed that the problem is back after it receded over the weekend (though did not abate completely). But at least I know what it is. Part of the despair of pain is not knowing how to ameliorate it, which makes me feel out of control and helpless. My knees I can handle better because I've dealt with them for so long. I know there's no substitute for time--a chance (many chances) to test and see what helps and what hurts. However, I have less and less patience having dealt with one thing or another since age 16. http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/poop_on_pilates.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/poop_on_pilates.html Tue, 23 May 2006 15:41:45 +0000 does exist, like a N hummed discordantly in my ear. The hurt is a constant static, punctuated by O and I moments. What the hell am I talking about? I'm just trying to say something other than PAIN because as I'm tired of that word as I am of what it represents.]]> http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/chronicles_you_know_like_icicl.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/chronicles_you_know_like_icicl.html Thu, 18 May 2006 19:20:38 +0000 Post-exercise assessment: knees: worse, back: better, shoulders: worse. * I was talking to a mother yesterday who described how her body shape changed permanently since she was pregnant. She started storing fat in her thighs, and her straight-legged girlish body became, well, not that. Her tone of voice was one of wistfulness. In order to make these sorts of changes palatable, I tell myself that I will finally be able to fit into women's pants, which have always had too much thigh (and not enough waist, which I'm sure won't get any better). Why do I fear body changes when they happen every day anyway? * There's a Far Side cartooon I love where cook is holding a frog over a pot. The frog pleads, "Skinny legs! I got skinny legs!" http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/four_legged_post.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/four_legged_post.html Tue, 16 May 2006 19:27:00 +0000 Why do doctors not care about the pain they create? Why are doctors unconcerned with the amount of pain I'm in? Why do I never have the argument I need in hand? Would it make any difference? http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/the_anger_im_not_supposed_to_e.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/the_anger_im_not_supposed_to_e.html Mon, 15 May 2006 19:50:09 +0000 So thanks to D., I'm a crocheting fiend. She taught me how last December, and I quickly graduated from potholders to scarves to hats. I recently crocheted a baby blanket and matching hat for a fellow student who's due next month, and now I'm working on a sweater. I love how it calms and soothes me and how productive I feel as I see the rows accumulate. What's the problem, you ask? Shoulders. And hands. Crocheting irritates the tendonitis I have in my shoulders (for which I'm in physical therapy), and recently my fingers have started to protest. I've been able to keep it pretty much at bay by limiting the amount of time I do it in one sitting, but when I got near the end of the blanket, I couldn't stop myself, and I knotted yarn for hours until it was done. I haven't recovered from that yet. It's incredibly addictive. I've had this moderation problem all my life. The arthritis in my knees is, of course, due to over-use and the resultant tendonitis I've had since I was 16. But I also, according to my knee surgeon, have misaligned legs that predispose me for my condition, so I would have developed it anyway. So where is the line? Is it my fault? Is it my body's? It just kills me that I found something I enjoy so much that also causes me more pain. I don't know how not to make that sound like whining, so I guess I (and you?) will just have to indulge myself. This is a blog after all. http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/why_i_cant_get_regrettably_a_p.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/why_i_cant_get_regrettably_a_p.html Mon, 08 May 2006 19:30:41 +0000 Transcript of my head today during Women's Rhetorics class: The joints in my hands hurt. That can't be true. I can't have joint problems in my hands because my back, knees, and shoulders are already too much to handle. Is the pressure dropping? [a couple minutes] It's really windy. [a couple minutes] That's quite a downpour, like one of those movie rains that come in sheets. I'm a fucking human barometer. Am I really that accurate? Was there really a drop in pressure? I'm going to live with this pain the rest of my life. It's only going to get worse. I can't handle that. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of pain. OK, try to think more positively; my joints give me a connection to nature. I'm blessed with a sensitivity to nature. Fuck that. http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/low_pressurehigh_pressure.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/low_pressurehigh_pressure.html Thu, 04 May 2006 18:29:59 +0000 -Adrienne Rich, from "When We Dead Awaken: Writing as Re-Vision I know this shouldn't be what I got out of this essay (and it wasn't), but this is, nonetheless, my favorite quote. Could I be more apologetic? When do I outgrow that?]]> http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/rich.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/rich.html quotes Thu, 04 May 2006 18:20:24 +0000 I had a new physical therapist today. He had a more tentative touch, not stretching me as far or as hard. He also worked on my shoulderblades a while to loosen up the muscles between them, which my regular PT hasn't done yet. Nothing better or worse, just different. When I'm with a new doctor or counselor, my initial reaction is usually hesitancy. I figure this is normal, as a trust has to be established. I'm confident that my regular PT knows what's going on with my body, and not so sure with the guy. But he won me over quickly. I'm always amazed at what I learn in the hands of someone new. Touch itself is an incredibly accurate communicator. Today I learned that my impulse to massage my shoulder joint on a point on the outside was a good intuition; the PT worked on this for a while. As he put his fingers on my shoulder blades to guide them as I did a rowing exercise, I understood better how to move. More than these simple things, there's something ineffable going on here, an exchange. Someone offers something--healing? touch itself?--and I accept. I wonder what I give in return. http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/exchange_value.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/05/exchange_value.html Tue, 02 May 2006 19:14:41 +0000 I'm not set on the new design yet, but I thought revision was in order, especially the picture from seven years ago (?). Oh, the many, many ways to procrastinate. I'm in love with the essay form because I get to continually revise myself. A friend recently talked to me about how she thought of blogs as a serial essay. I like thinking of the self as a serial essay as well. http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/facelift.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/facelift.html Fri, 28 Apr 2006 14:10:42 +0000 In physical therapy today I learned a new exercise to strengthen the shoulder muscles around my scapula (is that plural?). I put my hands on a counter or desk, assume a pushup position, keep my arms at 90 degrees from my body, and then raise myself using just my shoulders. I could definitely feel it working new muscles, and I'm feeling it now. Mid-way through my session, a student therapist came in as they sometimes do. At first I thought it was a client, but then I realized he was just watching me, and my therapist didn't ask him to do any exercises. Strangely, I was comfortable with his gaze, just as I am with my therapist痴. I know he's watching in order to make sure I'm using the right muscles and to correct my movement if needed, though it usually isn't. What was curious to me was that I didn't mind this new guy, even though I hadn't even spoken a word to him. I was keenly aware of being watched, almost like I when I was an artists' model. Such was not the case with interns that accompanied my surgeon on my follow-up visits. (I知 not usually comfortable with doctors� interns.) When he pointed out the alignment of my kneecaps and the underdevelopment of my quad muscles, I felt almost shame, as if I were merely a human anatomy lesson. As I did my shoulder pushups, the therapist pointed out the uneven movement in my shoulder blades to the student. The left is predictably weaker than the right, and he described how there was a sort of indentation under my left scapula, whereas there was a smoother transition under my right. This was valued information, confirming what I could feel myself. Plus, when am I ever going to know what my back looks like, especially while doing the exercise, unless it痴 described to me? Mostly it's a testament to the abilities of my therapist. He has an amiable manner, exudes enthusiasm, and he's given me the most knowledge and confidence about my body of anyone since I saw an acupuncturist in Albuquerque. The space of the PT room doesn稚 feel crowded or uncomfortable with the student because the therapist has already created the preconditions of ease. http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/medical_precondition.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/medical_precondition.html Thu, 27 Apr 2006 18:28:32 +0000 After 49 days, my period finally returned with a vengeance. And I was worried. Heavier flow, cramps, more days--it's just what I anticipated with the first post-pill period, just 21 days after I thought it would come. And who's to know of the black and blue cohosh, the juniper berry essence, the raspberry leaf tea helped, though of course I'd like to think it does. I had this perverse desire to experience my body au natural, so I forewent any painkillers for the cramps, which were certainly warranted on more than one day. I didn't want to throw my body off even more as it attempts to establish rhythm. Taking ibuprofen has never decreased my flow in the past, so I'm aware that the decision wasn't entirely rational. But then the body--and the mind--never are. http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/revenge_of_the_body.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/revenge_of_the_body.html Wed, 26 Apr 2006 14:41:37 +0000 marquee on fast food restaurant:           SPECIAL
          FISH
                      DRINK Ew. marquee on sit-down restaurant:           TRY OUR NEW BORDER SCRAMBLE OMLETTE Ersatz southwestern fare, or a comment on undocumented immigrant policy? Only Bob Evans knows.]]> http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/flotsam_and_jetsam.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/flotsam_and_jetsam.html flotsam and jetsam Wed, 26 Apr 2006 12:29:38 +0000 --t-shirt worn by man at the gym Yesterday while exercising I thought, I could do this for another hour; I am strong and capable. Descending a steep hill today, I noted that while I still limp slightly, I did not feel the familiar sharp ache in my knees. In moments like these I entertain the thought I am getting better. Then I remember that it is sunny out, and that is the more likely reason I have less pain. I feel like I have two (or ten) bodies, and I never know which one I'll wake up with. When I saw the t-shirt (above) I thought, what a blessing that would be, to be able to leave my body at the shop. But I sort of feel like that every day, except that I am the shop, and I'm always tinkering. On good days, my body is like the car that acts up except when you take it to the mechanic. You think, maybe the problem worked itself out. But you know better.]]> http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/i_left_my_other_body_in_the_sh.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/i_left_my_other_body_in_the_sh.html Wed, 19 Apr 2006 18:36:14 +0000 I like being around dancers--the breezy, relaxed way they exist in their bodies, so present and comfortable. In my first pilates class on Sat. (I get to take the classes free with membership at faculty/staff gym), our instructor, a junior dance major at OU, walked around the room and counted off beats as if she'd been counting off heartbeats in the womb. Her confidence was infectious. Occasionally she would re-position my body to correct my form. She took my wrists and showed me the proper way to circle them, or she pushed my knees together. It was as if being in bodies and touching others was the most natural thing in the world. I say that, of course, because it isn't always, as strange as that sounds. I am usually a mirror to others' comfort level; if a person resists my touch, I back away. When I'm around people who touch naturally--physical therapists, hair stylists, etc. (except for doctors, another story)--I'm relieved and feel I'm more myself. http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/as_strange_as_that_sounds.html http://www.littlemotors.org/clothespin/archives/2006/04/as_strange_as_that_sounds.html Mon, 17 Apr 2006 12:13:38 +0000