clothespin

At the chiropractor's on Fri.--He said my sacroiliac joint was really seized up, which was part of the reason for the additional pain around my spine and pelvis on the right side, as well as the bruised feeling around my tailbone. I知 always amazed at how much better I feel after an appointment. There痴 usually some adjustment pain in the first 24 hours (right under the base of my skull particularly this time), but I have greater ranger of movement, less pain (eventually), and more confidence in the movement I have (I知 not afraid to bend down, things like that). I also have increased sensitivity to my body for a while, even more so than usual, where I realize I知 tightening certain muscles (relax, Kelley!), what it feels like to sit in a more balanced way, etc. I wish I could maintain this awareness, and it frustrates me to realize how much awareness I've lost by the next monthly visit. Then after my appointment, I realize again how I put my body off. I feel a pain in my right buttock, and I think, I should move . . . after I知 done with this paragraph . . . no, now Kelley. Pay attention. Respond, react, adjust. It痴 so easy to just ignore it when it痴 low level but constant. I just wish reflecting on the pain mitigated it as much as moving my seat cushions around. Of course, that doesn稚 always work either.

I致e had that sacroiliac pain again today. It starts just to the right of my tailbone and follows my spine up along the inside. It痴 a dull but localized deep ache, if that makes any sense. I致e change chairs a couple of times today, and I adjust my posture about every five minutes or so, but it痴 just gotten worse. I even tried standing and reading for a while, rocking back and forth from foot to foot, and the ache is still there, not constantly, but enough that I always anticipate its return. Right now I知 tilted forward in my chair so my knees are aimed down toward the floor, thus raising my tailbone off the chair. This works until my mid-back gets tired from holding this more active posture.

Thunderstorms, tornado watch today. (Knees strangely cooperative during exercise today, but now cranky.) Rainy, then sunny, then rainy. Spring in Athens. I saw a gorgeous white-flowered tree today (I have no idea what kind), blossoms with thin white petals. Sometimes I imagine the pain in my back the same way, a white tendril bursting in a curved arc.

I'm so impatient for my period to start. I thought I was having PMS symptoms, but apparently not, only a craving for chocolate I thought was medically severe. No breast tenderness, no pre-menstrual back pain, just the normal sacroiliac stuff. I know that 28 days is only a guide, and since this is my first month off the pill, my cycle is bound to be erratic. I suspect that my unmedicated cycle was always long. But now that I'm recording basal body temperatures and checking cervical fluid, I want my body to produce results while I'm paying attention. I keep staring at my temperature grid as if some pattern will reveal itself to me like one of those magic eye pictures.

I hate not knowing what state my body is in.

Sat. night I went dancing for the first time in a year or two. Dancing used to be a habitual release for me, if not in clubs (I rarely went), in front of my stereo. I can remember working myself into fits of blind passion to release anger, sadness, tension, boredom. These days I rarely hop for more a couple of measures, obeying the twinges in my knees that say, "Bad idea." I miss dancing so much.

As I salsa-ed along with the live band, I felt bitter sweet. It felt euphoric to make my body shift and pulse, to be engulfed in the music. But even as I danced I could feel how my body resisted my own pleasure. My knees are still recovering days later, but more than that, I'm heartbroken. I stare at my body today from afar, like a jilted lover watching the woman who makes her cry every time she draws near.

Sacroiliac joint much, much better today. I’ve sat with minimal pain all day, probably only 5% of what I’ve had the last week or so. I have no fucking clue why. I did some reading up on the problem yesterday, and someone in a yoga journal said the trick was to keep the sacrum and the ilium moving together. I did my morning exercises with that in mind, and tried to think about that when bending. Is it possible the pain is less because of this? Is it possible that I intuitively or subconsciously know how to do it? I found myself tucking my pelvis under a bit more. I have no idea if this is right or not.

This sense of wanting to do things “right” has plagued me all my life, in my body and in any decision making. I assume what comes naturally is wrong, a holdover, I suspect, from Sunday School growing up; our nature was to sin, and we needed God to correct/save us. (A superficial, bloggish explanation, but there you go.)

I remember in the first grade, Mrs. Hanneman came around to see how we were holding the pencil. I’d been holding it one way all along (typical grip--index finger and thumb bracing it against my middle finger) but I grabbed it a different way before she came to me (all of my fingers braced equally around the pencil, like fist with fingers extended). She instructed me to go back to my usual grip, of course. I felt so stupid.

After sitting so much this week, my back is protesting again. I'm constantly negotiating sitting positions.

When I was in high school, I used to obsess over the way I looked sitting in class. I tried really hard to look nonchalant and comfortable, but I was so aware of (and uncomfortable in) my body it was impossible. As I squirmed in my chair during class today, it occurred to me that I'm still doing what I did when I was 16, instead now my awareness is forced by pain and not by awkwardness.

I've had bloody noses two nights running (pun unintended but there anyway) and this morning in the shower. Related to going off the pill? A contraindication for taking the pills is having a history of blood clots, which means the pill must exacerbate that condition (coagulation, right?), which means that going off the pill, my blood would become thinner, right? I've been sneezing slightly more lately because of spring blooms, but that still wouldn't explain the red tissues, at least not to me. But then why didn't I get them before now?

Reading up on fertility today, I learned that periodic egg-white consistency cervical fluid may mean my body is working itself up to ovulation. Hope so.

I like being around dancers--the breezy, relaxed way they exist in their bodies, so present and comfortable. In my first pilates class on Sat. (I get to take the classes free with membership at faculty/staff gym), our instructor, a junior dance major at OU, walked around the room and counted off beats as if she'd been counting off heartbeats in the womb. Her confidence was infectious.

Occasionally she would re-position my body to correct my form. She took my wrists and showed me the proper way to circle them, or she pushed my knees together. It was as if being in bodies and touching others was the most natural thing in the world. I say that, of course, because it isn't always, as strange as that sounds. I am usually a mirror to others' comfort level; if a person resists my touch, I back away. When I'm around people who touch naturally--physical therapists, hair stylists, etc. (except for doctors, another story)--I'm relieved and feel I'm more myself.

--t-shirt worn by man at the gym

Yesterday while exercising I thought, I could do this for another hour; I am strong and capable. Descending a steep hill today, I noted that while I still limp slightly, I did not feel the familiar sharp ache in my knees. In moments like these I entertain the thought I am getting better. Then I remember that it is sunny out, and that is the more likely reason I have less pain. I feel like I have two (or ten) bodies, and I never know which one I'll wake up with.

When I saw the t-shirt (above) I thought, what a blessing that would be, to be able to leave my body at the shop. But I sort of feel like that every day, except that I am the shop, and I'm always tinkering. On good days, my body is like the car that acts up except when you take it to the mechanic. You think, maybe the problem worked itself out. But you know better.

marquee on fast food restaurant:
          SPECIAL
          FISH
                      DRINK
Ew.

marquee on sit-down restaurant:
          TRY OUR NEW BORDER SCRAMBLE OMLETTE
Ersatz southwestern fare, or a comment on undocumented immigrant policy? Only Bob Evans knows.

After 49 days, my period finally returned with a vengeance. And I was worried. Heavier flow, cramps, more days--it's just what I anticipated with the first post-pill period, just 21 days after I thought it would come. And who's to know of the black and blue cohosh, the juniper berry essence, the raspberry leaf tea helped, though of course I'd like to think it does.

I had this perverse desire to experience my body au natural, so I forewent any painkillers for the cramps, which were certainly warranted on more than one day. I didn't want to throw my body off even more as it attempts to establish rhythm. Taking ibuprofen has never decreased my flow in the past, so I'm aware that the decision wasn't entirely rational. But then the body--and the mind--never are.

In physical therapy today I learned a new exercise to strengthen the shoulder muscles around my scapula (is that plural?). I put my hands on a counter or desk, assume a pushup position, keep my arms at 90 degrees from my body, and then raise myself using just my shoulders. I could definitely feel it working new muscles, and I'm feeling it now.

Mid-way through my session, a student therapist came in as they sometimes do. At first I thought it was a client, but then I realized he was just watching me, and my therapist didn't ask him to do any exercises. Strangely, I was comfortable with his gaze, just as I am with my therapist痴. I know he's watching in order to make sure I'm using the right muscles and to correct my movement if needed, though it usually isn't. What was curious to me was that I didn't mind this new guy, even though I hadn't even spoken a word to him. I was keenly aware of being watched, almost like I when I was an artists' model.

Such was not the case with interns that accompanied my surgeon on my follow-up visits. (I知 not usually comfortable with doctors� interns.) When he pointed out the alignment of my kneecaps and the underdevelopment of my quad muscles, I felt almost shame, as if I were merely a human anatomy lesson.

As I did my shoulder pushups, the therapist pointed out the uneven movement in my shoulder blades to the student. The left is predictably weaker than the right, and he described how there was a sort of indentation under my left scapula, whereas there was a smoother transition under my right. This was valued information, confirming what I could feel myself. Plus, when am I ever going to know what my back looks like, especially while doing the exercise, unless it痴 described to me?

Mostly it's a testament to the abilities of my therapist. He has an amiable manner, exudes enthusiasm, and he's given me the most knowledge and confidence about my body of anyone since I saw an acupuncturist in Albuquerque. The space of the PT room doesn稚 feel crowded or uncomfortable with the student because the therapist has already created the preconditions of ease.

I'm not set on the new design yet, but I thought revision was in order, especially the picture from seven years ago (?). Oh, the many, many ways to procrastinate.

I'm in love with the essay form because I get to continually revise myself. A friend recently talked to me about how she thought of blogs as a serial essay. I like thinking of the self as a serial essay as well.