anti:freeze

Sometimes I miss chewy, crusty bread, the kind made from plain wheat flour. I miss the buttery melt on my tongue, the stinging of cut gums, the crunch of burnt toast. You need gluten to get texture like that. I cannot eat gluten in any form, unless I want rashes, migraines, and severe intestinal distress. Despite a recent outbreak, my eczema is much less severe if I avoid all gluten. So I eat special breads, made from rice flour, nut meal, and xantham gum.

Have you ever unwrapped a loaf of this bread? Tried to pull a slice from the toaster? Picked up a piece by the crust? Without gluten, bread crumbles at the lightest touch. Your sandwich falls apart between your fingertips. Piece by piece, your toast catches fire on the burners.

Gluten is everywhere. Most rice milks are processed using gluten. Sauces, canned soups and dressings contain gluten. Almost all chewing gums, some cheeses, brans, caramel coloring, and barley malt sweeteners are forbidden.

My pasta is made from legumes or quinoa. My dressing is unrefined flax oil. My sweetener is stevia. My cereals are mail order. Grocery shopping can take hours, as I walk from one store to the next, gathering ingredients, searching for hard-to-find items. And it all costs five times as much as regular (normal, non pathological) groceries.

Dairy, soy, and eggs are also trouble. So you can see, I do not eat a lot of processed junk. And I rarely dine out on anything but Thai or Indian, since these restaurants offer safe, soothing alternatives.

So imagine how it feels when someone tells me to rub lotion onto my rash (as if I had not thought of emollients, which I massage into my skin every morning and night). Or to visit the dermatologist and get a prescription for Elidel. That way, people say, You can eat what you want. I am doubly pathologized - once for the disease, and once, because I do not respond to cheery advertisements for overpriced (and chemically suspect) pharmaceuticals. Because I want to treat root causes instead of mere symptoms, I must be at fault for my own suffering.

And of course, snacking on wheat crackers and cheese would do nothing for the migraines and other problems. Oh, but Imitrex can solve this problem. And for suicidal depression resulting from temporal lobe epilepsy, why not Depakote? And for sleep disorders related to medicinal side effects, why not Ambien or Soma? And when you feel sleepy because of the sleeping pills, do not forget Ritalin. So many of my loved ones are trapped in these vicious cycles, and I do not want to join them. This is not to say they are wrong for seeking allopathic care. I prefer not to pathologize their choices. (Especially since I have been forced - more than once - to take drugs or antibiotics for acute illness or infection.)

Today, the rash on my arms and legs is beginning to fade. I am considering the consequences of walking downtown in the sunshine, breathing all that pollen, rubbing skin against fabric. But most of all, I am dreading the kindness of strangers, those people who prescribe medications without a medical license, telling you all about the miracle of Elidel, or who ask what in the hell happened to your skin, listing off their favorite ointments and creams. As if as if as if, I want to scream. As if these had never occurred to me before.