rough notes (toward an essay I'm writing for a friend)
Radio Frequency Identification. Just for today, I like the sound of it. I like the idea of identity transmitted through the air - a little black box for when I plunge into the river, disappear from the bus stop, hike into the desert and never return. Imagine RFID chips ground into a powder, a dust, a sparkling glitter, brushed over my eyelids and cheeks. Would you know, finally, that I am jealous of the desert? Jealous of the ground you walk on?
Or imagine them as hard chips of ice, crunched between my teeth, shrill pains shooting through sensitive bone, the shards melting as they slide past my swollen tonsils. As dirt: crammed beneath my fingernails, snagged in broken hair cuticles.
If you tuned into my frequency, you would know that I walked all morning along the waterfront before I realized spring would not change anything. That it is two weeks until the day Ashley died. That this time last year, no doctor would slice my cancer away - not without insurance, and not without payment upfront. That my surgery finally happened on the day President Bush ordered bombs dropped on Iraq. That yesterday, I wasted three hours watching people walk in and out of the side door of a downtown cafe. That I did the same thing the day before. And the day before. That I finally made it through winter without a breakdown, but I am not so sure about summer.
Just for today, I like the sound of you listening in. What would you say as I lie down beneath the Burnside Bridge, watching water reflections dance on the underside of the span? Would you tune into my frequency at all, if you could?
Comments (10)
some not-so-rough fragments are coming later - this morning I have a scary meeting, so off I go ...
Posted by K | March 3, 2004 7:12 AM
Posted on March 3, 2004 07:12
I feel privileged that you're sharing your "rough notes." Privileged that I get to read from your genius hand.
Posted by W | March 3, 2004 3:10 PM
Posted on March 3, 2004 15:10
*blush*
I admit, I did come back and clean up some particularly rough sentences. But what the heck - I do that with my notebooks, too. Only here, you don't get to see the messy scratch-outs and scrawl.
Posted by karrie | March 3, 2004 4:23 PM
Posted on March 3, 2004 16:23
And to the readers who worried that I embrace RFID - No worries. I was indulging a darker aspect of myself here, playing with the idea. I am not - as you will see in upcoming posts - a fan of this technology.
And, of course, I took liberties with my notes. RFID does not exactly beam your thoughts. At least, not yet. Not now.
I am just very interested in that space where private and public meet, and what happens when darker desires and longings clash with my better judgements. And with justice ...
Posted by karrie | March 3, 2004 7:39 PM
Posted on March 3, 2004 19:39
but it doesn't sound like the rfid were darker. It sounds as if you were wondering a world where we could beam connection. where stardust allowed communication.
it is like a dream. the rfid is a displaced symbol.
Posted by teal | March 3, 2004 10:11 PM
Posted on March 3, 2004 22:11
Thanks, teal. I love what you say here. Other sections of the essay explore precisely that fantasy - beaming intimacy.
But in the context of the larger essay, the RFID image is dark. Or at least, it indulges some darker parts of myself. But that will come later ...
Thanks again.
Posted by K | March 4, 2004 5:57 AM
Posted on March 4, 2004 05:57
previewing this post,,,gives me the chills..the memory of my own transistor sinking into the dark pool by the bay, not being allowed outside because my mom was afraid of what she couldn't see....and our neighbors had it all,,,which i figured too late to be worth as much as the white elephant in our garage...when my dad ran off with his midlife expediency, we were left to live in an uneasy peace...that was the beginning of the current journey...a repitition of sound...the voices i hear now...it's dark out...it's dark out.....but it's dark out...hearing only what's across the field, the froggish mating call as my own.
Posted by jgill | March 4, 2004 6:37 AM
Posted on March 4, 2004 06:37
yes .. the fear of what we can't see ... how that traps us indoors, keeps us hidden from one another ... reinforcing the isolation, the darkness, the fear ...
what fascinates me is this fear of losing control of the image I construct, the image I project ... in other words, what happens when you see it all so raw, so true, without filters? or is that what I need? when do we lose beauty in exchange for truth? when do we lose identity inside raw emotion? how much of identity is constructed? but that fragment will be posted later today ...
thanks, Joel, for your thoughts. I am haunted by your refrain - It's dark out. It's dark out ...
as you would say - peace,
k
Posted by K | March 4, 2004 8:11 AM
Posted on March 4, 2004 08:11
identity is a sick game made by kraft or nabiso, or haliburton made in china for sure...my identiy is formed and shaped and chiseled by things i no longer believe in and so i have decided to give up the ghost of christmas past...or the ghost of adolescent present....and have sworn off inebriated, toxic states..and i lock myself in a shrouded room,,,becoming as intolerant as the flag waver next door, whose large f-350 inspires me to become more of something,,something filled with rage and idiosyncrasy....there was a day, or an hour, or mabye less than that,,,perhaps a second,,,and in that hoary moment, i fell of the wagon...i think i was 19 and attending college for the second time...and was sitting on the bleachers of the football stadium in pullman, wa...after hours, a friend and i had climbed the chain link fence...and we'd just listened to dylan's masters of war over and over again...and we had a six pack of local brew in cans...and we had a cloudy night...and we had misery.
Posted by jgill | March 5, 2004 5:49 AM
Posted on March 5, 2004 05:49
what about the mating call!
i want to hear the mating call of a blue-winged teal... next time you make a web-site make it with the sounds of the birds
Posted by hox | May 4, 2004 7:31 AM
Posted on May 4, 2004 07:31